In 2015, I was in the midst of a deep depression and couldn’t write any songs. My cousin Melissa Viney told me I was going mad because I wasn’t doing anything creative. She suggested that I try writing a poem every morning after my Buddhist meditation practice. And so I did. And words came pouring out. The lines were all short initially because my handwriting was quite big in my A5 journals but then I got into the habit of writing these ‘ladder’ poems. Most of them took less than two minutes to write and were completely unedited.
Poems had appeared in my first two books ‘Start Over Again’ (2010) and ‘Notes From The North Pole’ (2016) but my first collection of these short, stream-of-consciousness poems was a book called ‘Meditation Mind’ (featured on BBC Radio 4’s ‘Front Row’) which I published in 2018. This was followed by ‘Words With Wings’ (featured in a programme broadcast by BBC Radio Wiltshire) which I published when I was living in Australia in 2021. At that time I was again unable to write songs so I occupied myself creatively by composing piano parts for all the poems, resulting in an album of me reading the poems accompanied by this music (you can listen to all of them here).
I still sit down with a coffee and a pencil each morning after meditating and write a poem. Often they are terrible but sometimes I’m happy with one. You have to be at the bus stop to catch the bus, as my teacher Lama Jampa Thaye once said to me. Some of the ones below are from my two poetry collections but others are more recent and have not been published yet.
***
Smoke (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
Shape-shifting
Solid as a rock
Then soft like smoke
Wrapped around
My fingertips
This is my shadow
That turns my
Beaten heart
Into a lump of coal
Saying ‘You, you, you’
Till my ears
Are ringing
With the sound of myself
My eyes have turned
Inside out
To gaze upon
My beautiful blood
And guts
And all the Buddhas
Of the western world
Cannot save me now.
***
Clouds (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
Sometimes I feel
Like I’m the only one
And it’s a lonely
Place to be
But then I remember
The whole world
Is fearful, wondering
What will happen next
And then I think
Of the practice of Tonglen
How to turn arrows
Into flowers
If we all just sat down
In silence
Under a tree perhaps
Somehow our minds
Would unwind
And these tangled
Threads of thought
Would become
Wisps of air
No more solid
Than a cloud
Clouds have something
To teach us
About beauty
About lightness of being
About impermanence
We are all
Coming to terms
With being alive
We are all fire-eaters
And trapeze artists
Hoping there’s a
Safety net to catch
Our fall, waiting
For the sunset
As the clouds change
From white to red
To grey to black
And that’s okay
We might be afraid
Of the night
But we all know
You need the darkness
To see the stars.
***
Gaza
Turning on
The news
And there’s
Nothing good
And nothing
New
Just the
Sum of
Human cruelty
Wrapped up
In stories
And these are
Real people
Suffering
Unbelievably
And here am I
Safe in
My anxieties
Typical in
The Western
World
Listening to
News of
Famine while
Making my
Lunch.
***
Enough (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
Turner saw
Such a sky
Captured it
On canvas
I wish I could
Capture it
In my mind
Instead of the
Usual cacophony
Of thoughts
Feelings, things
To do
I would walk
Slowly, look up
Maybe even
Realise something
Sacred, something
Profound that
Had been missing
Amongst the
Emails and the
Twitter posts
Seemingly so
Important and yet
Draining the life
Out of me
Drop by drop
Day by day
Until I am left
A husk, a shell
My only thought
An algorithm
Turning me on
Turning me off
I thought being
Human was
About love
I thought it
Was about being
Humane
And yet we
Are in love
With our machines
Far more than
With each other
I wonder what
Would happen
If we all suddenly
Woke up
No more dreams
Of conquest, of
Acquisition
Simply to gaze
At a Turner sky
With an unbelievable
Sense of warmth
And gratitude
It’s enough
Everything we have
Is enough.
***
Survived
Leaves on the trees
The window in
My room
Lets in the light
I am quiet
These days
Letting time pass
Like a cloud
In the sky
Learning to be
Learning to love
I am no longer
Empty, I am
A vase full
Of spring flowers
I am water
In a spring
I am grass
In the green fields
Growing, growing
And the breeze
When it comes
Is soft and sweet
I do not need
Anything more
Than what I have
Gratitude like
A river of stars
In my sky
Thank you
For this day
That I survived
To see it
Finally arrive.
***
Song (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
It’s running dry
I need a good rain
To soak the ground
Startle the seeds
Into growing
Growing something big
Something beautiful
That I could write
And you could read
And the words
Would dance
On the page
Like a dervish
On solstice night
And you would be
Lifted up
And out
Leaving the hole
Far behind
Suddenly elevated
In the air
With nothing but
The sun and
A single soft cloud
To come between
And you would
Know everything
You would be
The wisest of us all
You would understand
The colours
Of the rainbow
And why
The wind blows
You would touch
The stars
With your fingertips
Hold the moon
In your arms
Knowing there is
Nothing we need
We don’t already have
In our hearts
In our minds
That life is a song
A song we’ve been
Singing since
Beginningless time.
***
Wake Up (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
I have seen this face
A thousand times before
And yet I don’t recognise it
I see a smile
And I turn towards it
I see a frown
And I turn away
I have a hundred reasons
For being brave
A hundred reasons
To be scared
I know not what I do
My thoughts the
God of my world
Mind only an ocean
I am without sail
Without compass
I have never seen
A shore
And yet there are dolphins
And sunsets
Moments of hope
Like huge waves
That crash me down
To the depths once more
And this is a dream
I’ve been dreaming
Since beginningless time
Life after life after life
Waiting for the moment
When I’ll wake up.
***
Boulder (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
Looking forward
To the future
Is my main concern
While the days dance by
Am I supposed to be
Achieving something
Other than self-
Flagellating, self-
Aggrandising, any
Which way preoccupied
With self
I would rather
Roll a boulder
Over the mouth
Of my cave
Stay inside for an eon
Or two
At least till I’d learned
What a fool I’ve been
Thinking I was more
Important than you
That the future would be
Any different to the past
The same old party tricks
The same old games
We love to play over and over
Till the lights go out.
***
Stars Of A Sort
Stars of a
Sort except
They move
And then disappear
Fall to the
Ground
A bomb
Blowing lives
To smithereens
And no time
To think
Not time
To say
Goodbye
Lives lost
In a nano-second
All those
Years of love
And learning
Gone in an
Instant
And it isn’t
Right and
It’s as foolish
As can be
To keep poking
An infinite
Hornets’ nest
And wonder
Why you
Keep getting
Stung
Or perhaps
It’s Medusa
And her head
For every
One killed
Two grow
In their place
The dreams
And ambitions
Of a whole
New generation
To bomb, to burn
To kill
So peace
Is something
That happens
To other people
For now
The only thought
Is revenge
Grief soaked
In anger
Soaked in
Despair
Goliath
This time
Invincible.
***
Skin (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
I am wondering
How it would be
To feel safe
In my skin
To walk unafraid
Through the
Minefield
Of my mind
But fear is my friend
It teaches me
To be brave
It teaches me
To be unsure
And yet still
Decide which path
To take
For we are all
Travellers
We are all
Nomads
Searching and searching
As if we lost
Something sacred
And we are trying
To find it again
Life after life
And yet
Perhaps if we
Stood still
Stopped chasing
Our dreams
We would realise
That the thing
We’ve been
Searching for
Is inside us
It’s been with us
All this time
And all we
Have to do
Is stop and listen
To the beating
Of our heart
To the voice
In our ear
Telling us
That skin is no boundary
In the space between us
We are no more
Separate or solid
Than air.
***
Out of the blue
And I thought
There was
Something there
But in the end
It was only
Air and so
I must turn
My face
To the wind
And keep walking
As if I know
My destination
And along the
Way I must
Remember to
Be mindful
Of the flowers
On the wayside
The clouds
In the sky
Those things
To be grateful
For, to realise
It’s the journey
That matters
The going
And then someday
Out of the blue
I’ll find I have
Arrived.
***
Now (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
It’s a habit to write
To breathe
To fish around
For the coin in the
Wishing well
I have only so many
Summers left
Should I not enjoy
The long grass
In the cemetery
Walk slowly
Down the road
Noticing the tiny
Flowers on the kerb
Here today
Gone tomorrow
Would I had
Such wisdom
As can lift the sky
Off its axis
Float a cloud
In a coffee cup
Say to you
The moment is now,
Now, now.
***
Sanity
There they lie
Coloured dots
Of sanity
Still in the box
And I’m awake
Early
Not realising
I’ve forgotten again
Now facing
Two days
Of discombobulation
My brain
Scrabbling around
For a foothold
On a sheer cliff
An addict
In a doorway
Slumped over
The empty casing
Of a needle
Forced to bear
An interminable wait
For the next fix.
***
Rope (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
You were bound
From head to foot
In knotted, twisted rope
And you couldn’t
Understand
Why your feet
Wouldn’t move
You couldn’t see
The rope
In your mind
It simply wasn’t
There
And it had been
Such a slow process
Of being bound
Before you knew it
You were stuck
And yet the rope
Is made of air
The knots and twists
An illusion of thought
Your mind is
The conjuror
And if it can
Do that, then surely
It can create
Feathers and wings
And blue sky
All the joys
In the universe
To lift you up
And break
These bonds
You are what
You think you
Are, half-dead
Or gloriously
Alive, and
That depends
On imagination
And faith
And the courage
To change
Cos if feathers,
Wings and blue sky
Are just another
Illusion, I know
Which dream
I’d rather be in.
***
Slip
Could I slip
Through the crack
Somehow make
2 plus 2 equal
4 and find
Myself in
Another sphere
A new reality
Or a new
Dream
Would that
Make me happy
Would I suffer
No more
The anxiety
Of can I or
Can’t I
Would I
Discover that
I have courage
In my heart
That because
I’ve been scared
I’ve learned
To be brave
And because
I’ve had to
Wait, I’ve
Learned to be
Patient
And because
I’ve been burned
And broken
I’ve learned
How to care
For others
Learned what’s
Important
Is the small
Things
The scent of
A rose
A cloud-swept
Sky, the touch
Of a hand
On mine.
***
Hills (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
If I could replace
Each negative thought
With a positive one
I would be radiant
Like a goddess
But as it is I am
Still human and that means
Full of worry, and
Much as I wish
I had your life
I’m sure if I was in
Your shoes I’d be
Looking at me
With something like envy
I wish I could
See it now, just a
Glimpse, see that
There is nothing to
Worry about, everything is
As okay as it will ever be
There is no mountain
To climb or raging torrent
To cross, just a winding
Path through the hills
Up and down.
***
Ant
He is so small
He would fit
On the end
Of my pencil
And there he is
Traversing the
Vast white space
Of my desk
Stopping every
So often
To rest? To think?
To wait for
The danger
To pass?
How much room
Inside that
Tiny body
For a brain
For a heart
To think,
To feel
To wonder
At this white
Vastness
Where did he
Come from
How was he
Born?
Death comes
Easily, only
Us humans
Who make a
Song and dance
About it
We could
Relax, realise
It’s just an
Open door
Closing and
Maybe I wouldn’t
Be so frightened
Of life
The racing thoughts
Whenever I wake
The fear, the fear
In my ear
To be brave
Is to be bold
Is to care less
And love more
And me, in this
Huge conglomeration
Of blood and bone
Perhaps I could
Find some peace
A realisation
Of sorts
That everything
Is possible
Everything is
Solvable
Everything is
Fine.
***
Fear (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
What would life
Be like without fear?
How much space and
Time and energy
And creativity and
Imagination and
Determination and
Inspiration would
We have without fear?
The quiet voice
Inside my heart says
We make space
To feel safe inside it
We value time
For its impermanence
We use energy
To run from our demons
We create art to make
Lamps in the night
We have imagination
To help us fly away
We have determination
To survive the fire
We are inspired
By the darkness inside
So fear has a purpose
It is our great protector
It is our only predator
If I was brave
I would make friends
With fear.
***
Dharma
Blink
And it goes
The tight
Hot feeling
The knot
In my heart
I read
Those words
And a cool
Breeze blows
Through
The space
In my heart
And I know
This is real
This is how
It’s supposed
To be
To let go
Of self-clinging
To stop
Self-cherishing
To let the self
Disappear
Like dew
On the grass
And I wonder
At the gobsmacking
Simplicity
Of it all
Reminds me
To breathe
To walk
To watch the birds
Flying home.
***
Caterpillars (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
There are caterpillars
In my mind
Thoughts that could
Turn into something
Beautiful, or just
Remain, eating cabbage
Leaves and waiting
For something to happen.
***
Life As It Used To Be
In years to
Come will we
Be living in
A different
World, seas
Like saunas
Waves tsunamis
On our shores
A pitiless sun
No amount
Of AI can
Change, the
Ice caps
Gone, the
Animals
Disappeared
And us
Angry at our
Ancestors
For their
Flagrant disregard
Of greenhouse
Gases, of
The warnings
Of science
That they thought
Somehow money
Would make
Everything okay
That power
Could overcome
Any obstacle
Except that
There wasn’t
Life on Mars
Space was just
Space and
The one planet
In it that
Did have life
Was burned,
Poisoned, carved
Up into
Territories,
Bombed, broken
Until nature
Had had enough
Of humans
They had become
The worst possible
Caretakers
Nothing for it
But a meteorite
A virus
Anything to
Save the earth
So now they
Live in small
Groups, eeking
Out an existence
Mostly underground
Where the heat
And the frost
Can’t get them
Eating artificial food
And playing the
Game of ‘life
As it used to be’
On their screens.
***
Love (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
Everything we say
Everything we do
Is like a raindrop falling
On a still pond
The ripples reaching out
Far and wide
And my ears
So weary of the sound
Of my thoughts
And yet there is a song
Somewhere in my mind
As if the universe
Was saying ‘Live, live,
You have so much to give!’
Hope is not a double-edged
Sword, it is a lantern
Hold it steady
Hold it firm
Listen to the quiet voice
Inside your heart
It tells the truth
And it is telling you
Have courage
Love is all that matters
In the end.
***
Chute
This is the nice bit
After the chute’s opened
And I’ve jumped
And I don’t have
To come down yet.
***
Money
If we had
Everything
We wanted
Would that
Be enough
Or would
We still be
Turning, turning
Grasping
At air
As if we
Could turn
The sun
Into gold
Raindrops
Into diamonds
Cos it is all
About the money
How much
We’ve got
How little
We have
The ones who
Have the most
Just as avaricious
Just as empty
Inside and we
Are so far from
The truth
The meaning
Of it all
We don’t know
Why we suffer
If only this
If only that
We wake up
Each morning
A bit poorer
A bit wiser
Hoping something
Will happen
Hoping something
Won’t happen
And all the time
The people
Who rule us all
Grow fatter,
Greedier,
More corrupt
And yet also
They grow old
And die
Only to be
Replaced by
New ones
With their eye
On the main
Prize, never-ending
Merry-go-round
Of money, money
Money.
***
If This Is A Dream (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
Time has no sides
No beginning
No end
Only now
And yet my mind
Is anywhere
But now
It’s down a ravine
Sitting pretty on a cloud
Making rain fall
And sun rise
Without any concern
Of how I might feel
This mind of mine
As if a river
Would care about
Its rocks
The sea about
Its shore
The point is
I guess
If this is a dream
Then I am asleep
What on earth
Would I see
If I ever woke up?
***
Wings (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
Time is flying
Like the crows
And the kookaburras
Do they know
Where they are going?
To the dam
To the next tree
To the wide horizon
In the sky
Do they have thoughts
Or just sensations?
How does one bird
On the wing
Find its mate
After a day spent
Wheeling around
The air
As if nothing mattered
But its wings
Maybe they do think
Maybe they think
‘Poor human’
Glued to the ground
Head down
Usually
Unless there’s a
Mackerel sky
Or a storm coming
Time is flying
Like the crows
And the kookaburras
We know
Where we are going
So why not
Do cartwheels
In the air
We just need
To find where
We put our wings.
***
Silver Lining
The birds
Say it better
Here I am
Here. I. Am.
They sing
Because singing
Is what they do
No questions
No decisions
No years
In therapy
Trying to recreate
Someone we
Never were
And all the while
Time is the tap
Drip dripping
Til our dreams
Are submerged
In an ocean
Of regret
Wishing we’d
Been braver
Younger, wiser
More willing to
Accept the present
As a gift
To forgive the past
As an old friend
To face the future
With alacrity
Knowing that
Whatever happens
We are what
We are
Able to think
To speak
To listen
And therefore
Be of some
Benefit to others
Even if they
Don’t hear us
Even if they won’t
Talk, just to
Hold space
Be there
Wherever that is
I’d rather be
A silver lining
Than a sun
The cloud makes us
Grateful, the cloud
Is telling us
Have faith, it’ll all
Work out
In the end.
***
Breeze (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
Silence is a sound
I’m used to
On my cushion
My thoughts
A quiet cacophony
But around me
Is stillness
No objects move
Nothing to be done
Bar breathing
And staying alive
For another 15 minutes
I can do that
I’ve had practice
And I’ve nothing much
To lose
Except my life
So solid, so fragile
Like a spider’s web
Flickering in the breeze.
***
Apple (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
Could we write
Something glorious
Something sacred
And the words
Would fly into
The air
No ifs, no buts
Just free
Free from sacrilege
Free from loathing
And we would
Dance and delight
In the meaning
Of life
As if we’d known it
All along
As if we were
Rediscovering
An old friend
Lost and mourned
And nothing else
Would matter
Not the wars
Or the virus
Or the insatiable
Greed, everyone
Would be loved
Everyone would be
Loving and no
Better place to be
Than planet earth
Right here
Right now
Sacred, revered
Worshipped
For the bountiful
Mother she is
And we would
Wake in the morning
Knowing the world
Had changed
In the night
The stars blinking
Their surprise
That we could
Somehow turn it
Round, turn everything
Round, until we were
Back in the garden
Wise this time
To the snake
In the tree
As he offers
The apple
Turn to him
And just say
No.
***
Unbroken (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
Things we think
We’ll never get over
Pass by and into
The distance
Like a giant wave
Till all that remains
Is a shell with
An echo of the sea
The tempestuous sea
That once swelled
And crashed and
Made you think
Your carefully constructed
Shore would be totally
Destroyed. And yet
Look here now, it is
As it is,
A little battered
But unbroken.
***
The Next Step
I would like to forget
About the past
And also forget
About the future
Neither exist
Both make me dizzy
With time
I should look up at
The horizon
And look down
At my feet
Which way are they
Pointing? And take
The next step
One at a time.
***
Walking On Air (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
What I would give
To see the world
Through your eyes
Emptiness no longer
An object of fear
But an everyday reality
That lets you glide
Through life
Like that kite you had
As a boy
Bright yellow and red
Diving through the
Clear blue sky
No fears, no hopes
No regrets
Nothing but the absence
Of those things
So long tying you down
Making you think
This ground is solid
And you’re stuck upon it
When really your feet
Are walking on air.
***
Pond
Moments such as these
Calm, careful, considerate
My mind a still pond
Who knows what’s beneath
I wonder how life can be
So tranquil and yet
A breeze is blowing
That might become rain
The trees gently rustling
As if to remind me
Of the storm that passed
Last week, last month
Last year when I was
Guns blazing, trying to
Keep my head down
And my feet on the ground
And nothing to do but wait
For the wind to wear itself
Out, for the clouds to
Dissipate, an innocent sky
Appearing in the distance
As if nothing had happened
And I was still alive.
***
Candle (from ‘Meditation `Mind’)
Will I ever wake
From this dream
Of angels and demons
Would they melt
Into mist if I did?
Would I see the trees
And the wood divisible
Yet interdependent
An infinite matrix
Of causes and conditions
And I am but one tiny
Black dot
On a vast canvas
Of space
And you are one star
In an infinite galaxy
Words not big enough
To contain the truth
Words not wise enough
To describe the way
Things really are
And me, atoms
Of space and time
Imagining I am a
Mothership when all
I really am is a
Flickering candle
Burning down, down.
***
A Place Of Understanding (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
I would like to come
To a place of understanding
Where wildflowers grow
And the seasons change
Gently, no storms
No sudden deluge
From an angry sky
I would like to lay my head
On a bed of peace
No sirens
No surprises
Where I could gaze
Out the window
At the passing birds
But I don’t understand
Most of the time
And I am at peace
Only when I remember
To feel my footsteps
And listen to the sky
All the wisdom
In the world
Is mine if I want it
Like panning for gold
There’s a mountain
Of dirt obscuring it
But patience never did
Come easy
And I’ve got all the time
In the world
If this life is just another
Bead on my mala
And love has everything
I need if I could only reach out
Give someone my hand
Open my heart
As wide as I can
And let everyone inside
Because it’s not about me
It’s about them
They are all I need
Kind, impatient
Gentle, angry
Full of love
Full of loathing
They are my raft
On the river of Samsara
Without them I cannot cross
Without them I would drown
So this is my place
Of understanding
Where wildflowers grow
Where rain isn’t miserable
But clean water
For my garden.
***
Reborn
I have not
Died or disappeared
It’s just this
Rollercoaster
Has been
The biggest
Of them all
So you did not
See me
When I flew above the clouds
And when I fell
I fell so fast and so far
You did not see me
Then either
And then the hole
I fell into
Was so deep and so dark
I disappeared for a long time
And then when I came
Shooting up again
You were looking
The other way
I’m sure someday
My ride will run out
Part of me hopes
It comes to rest
On solid ground
So this time
You can see me
Can see I have not
Died or disappeared
Just been reborn.
***
The Road To Heaven (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
Start where you are
She says
No matter how deep the hole
How high the walls
How narrow the ledge
How wide the desert
Start where you are
Angry, jealous, hurt
Hell is a good place to start
On the road to heaven.
***
The Tunnel
For a long time
There was just a tunnel
Then at some point
A light appeared
In the distance
And I kept walking
And it got larger
And I was fearful
Frightened it was
A train coming
To run me down
But then no train
Came and I walked
Out into daylight
Into the spring sunshine.
***
Sign (from ‘Words With Wings’) – listen
I could write
And the words
With wings
Would fly away
I could speak
Words like raindrops
In a river trying to get
Back to the sea
All these thoughts
Of me and mine
All these prayers
I may be as lost as ever
But I’m finding my way
A path through the snow
My footsteps marking
The places I have been
Confounding my eyes
With the things I have seen
All the time wondering
Where is there peace?
And I’ve searched for so long
I’d almost given up hope
When suddenly
Out of the blue
A rainbow appears
A sign in the sky
And the sign says
Not long now, not far now
Keep going my beloved
You have reasons for
Being, you know the
Meaning of life is love
We don’t have to be
Clever, we don’t
Have to be wise
Home is your heart
You take it with you
And we are all coming
And going like
Rainbows in the sky
Be as you are
Be as you are
Be everything you are.
***
The Door (from ‘Meditation Mind’)
The door is open
A chink
Just enough
To let some light in
Just enough
For me to see
The world
On the other side
Of this wall
And it’s a place
Of opportunity
And fulfilment
Where flowers grow
And the air
Is clear
I could walk for miles
No more walls
Only gates
To go through
And beyond
To new horizons
New lands
Eyes wide
Heart open
As if this were
The very first time
I’d ever been born.
***
If you would like to own a copy of ‘Words With Wings’ or ‘Meditation Mind’, please contact me.